I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever--so far, so good.
Mind like a steel trap--Rusty and Illegal in 37 states.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
A Touch of Scarcest
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
What did you say??
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Definitions
Quantum Mechanics - The dreams stuff is made of.
Shin - a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Laughing Stock - Cattle with a sense of humor.
Black holes - where God divided by Zero
Depression - Anger without enthusiasm.
Questions to Ponder
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
If you choke a smurf, what color
does it turn?
Who is General Failure, and why
is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared to death, twice?
If Barbie is so popular, why do
you have to buy her friends??
More Questionable Humor
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.
Tel evangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of Religion.
Join the Army. Meet interesting people. Kill them.
I'm not cheap, but I'm on special this week.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression
of a horizontal desire.